Enough.

I'm always more emotional on Sundays- I'm not sure why. Maybe because there's just so much going on and I'm exhausted from the week and yet want to keep my "happy face" on... 'cause it would just be rude to sit in the corner and sulk or appear bored. Don't get me wrong- I'm the happiest on Sundays. I am just so, so thankful for the unusual way we spend them- worshipping the Lord and then fellowshipping with His people til late into the night. Its on Sundays that I realize what a wretched sinner I am in light of who He is.

And He shows me just how great and powerful and sustaining He is when I am weak and exhausted from a hard week. I am so so thankful for a day of rest in every seven. Even though, like last week, they're not always restful.

Last Sunday my mother was sick on the couch with an ear infection. She had been sick most of the week, if I recall correctly, and so everything fell on my sister's and my shoulders. Emma had worked harder than I had that week, so I was determined that it would be a day of rest for her, too. I have 3 siblings 5 and under. Who also had been cooped up all week. But they managed to sit through church fine- well, except for Jo who I had to carry on my back all through prayer time and service. So, the time I usually get to just *sit* I didn't get to.  I was fine with that. I also watched him while everyone ate lunch, finally just getting my food and putting him in my lap after realizing my family was in no rush to relieve my duty.

I had been looking forward allll week to spending time with friends and just laughing. It'd been awhile since Daddy had also been sick all week. But, during lunch, since I had the baby, I didn't get to sit with friends... who were all laughing hysterically over something... many things... and, frankly, I felt left out. I know I shouldn't have- afterall, I was serving my family by doing this. But, I'm a sinner, so I sat over there sulking. After I noticed somebody looking at me with pity, I put a fake smile on. To make a long story short, I reluctantly had to take Elsie home to get some toys. Driving home in the cold when my friends were over there laughing was the last thing I wanted to do.

I drove home in a huff, wallowing in selfishness. why don't I get a break!? I am SO tired, don't they know that? Why does Daddy have to be sick again? Why is Willa so sick so often? Ugh! Why why why?? Man Emma eats slowly! humph.

At home, Mommy asked how I was doing. Angrily I said, "I'm not even sure what the point of being at church is! I'm not getting to talk or hangout or even eat!" It was totally unnecessary and I was thankful that I was able to be there.

Back in the quiet of the car (well, Elsie jabbered the whole time, but comparatively, it was quiet.) I just started singing a hymn at the top of my lungs. I'm not sure what exactly- just a combination of O Great God, Mercies Anew, In Christ Alone, and a few others. If I was a better Christian, I'd probably gain more encouragement quoting actual Scripture to myself, but nonetheless I realized my sin and just broke down crying- tears streaming down my cheeks as I belted out random phrases of hymns while bumping down the muddy dirt road. Elsie of course asked what I was singing- I just said I was praying. Praying for strength to carry on. For mercy. For joy. For peace. For selflessness.

Once back at church, I was still crying. My head on the steering wheel, a deep breath told me that He is indeed enough. Not just enough- but more than enough. His mercies are never ending. The words of my all time favorite Psalm ran through my head. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want!... He restores my soul!" And you know what? By His grace I was able to dry my tears, hold my head high, and smile at the kids while I took care of them.

No, I didn't get much "friend" time in the earlier part of the day. And that was OK. I'm not here to have "me" time. But, Emma was such an angel (as always) and took child care in the evening while I sat in a dimly lit room with a dozen other people mostly ages 16-21 winking for an hour and a half. :D ;)


And then again today I'm crying- too much, probably. Again, I'm reminded of my sin. Only Daddy and I went to church today- everyone else has fevers. I was very very grateful for the break and rest. We left after lunch at 2 o'clock. I'm soooo tired today. This week even Emma was sick so I've been the main cooker and cleaner and child person for most of the week. Anyway... after watching Over The Hedge with Elsie, I looked out the window and saw sunshine though the trees... immediately I wanted to go take pictures in the pastures. I ran downstairs and asked Mommy- the answer was automatically no and I was upset. I shouldn't of been- I mean, she's sick. I shouldn't have expected her to say yes in the first place to me running away for a half hour. But, I broke down in tears anyway. I sat on the basement landing steps and ate a bowl of spaghetti and cried. Yes, I was crying over sunlight while eating spaghetti. I told you I was emotional on Sundays.

And then I cried while getting the sausage from the basement freezer. I so didn't want to make dinner or clean the kitchen. I cried because I am so weak. I can do nothing without His sustaining grace. Absolutely nothing. And it is such a wonderful thing. I'm so thankful I don't have to save myself. I'm thankful I can't save myself.

I'm thankful and in awe of the fact that He does save. He does sustain. He does give strength to the weary and grace to the afflicted. He is more than enough for me. He is all I need. He is all I want.

Thank you, Lord, for sustaining me.