"Don't Desire Anything Too Much"

Boy, where to start. This year has probably been the most trying of my life, yet the one in which I've seen the most Grace given. It's a lose-win situation. There are so many posts I could do, so many ways which I could share God's goodness. I could write about growing up. I could write about friendship. I could write about judgement, reputation, and perception. I could write about vanity. I could write about doing the hard thing. I could write about the power of a nap. ;) I'll probably get to all those eventually. Tonight, I think I'll write the one I've been thinking about the longest: Desiring a good thing too much.

I'm a girl almost out of teen-hood. I'm not married, nor have I any relationships on the horizon. Why us girls have such an overwhelming desire to get on with the rest of our lives, I don't fully understand. But, that desire is there, and it is good. Last year, I thought, "If only I could know somebody loves me a lot, I would be happy. I would feel the acceptance, I would have the companionship I long for." I read some courtship stories about how their man didn't come along until they had "given their desire" for a husband to God. I thought, "OK, well, here, God. Here's my desire. It's Yours, I trust Your timing". And I was at peace.

Until..... well, I had a potential for a relationship. Then I was scared, and realized I wasn't ready. Something didn't feel right, and I didn't pursue it. Pastor Lovett preached a sermon several weeks back about desires and how even good desires can be bad if they are too strong. How we need to be careful what we wish for because God might just give it to us. I had put my hopes in the happiness from a relationship, when that wasn't going to fulfill me. Don't desire anything too much. You might just get it.

Come January, my mom was going full force on a rigorous home managing schedule. schedule.  I've always hated schedules. I balked at it at first, but eventually came around to see it was a great thing for us. But, still, I felt like it ruled me, like my mom ruled me. I'm an oldest child. I'm in charge of myself. I did not desire to serve my mother, but instead thought, "I don't like how this house is being run. If only I had my own house, I would be happy. I would run it like I see fit and I could do so much more." February 28th, my mom crashed and God said, "Here, Olivia, run your own house! See how you like it! Doesn't it make you happy?!"She stayed sick until 3 weeks ago. I learned all sorts of things, most of them the hard way. Did running the house make me happy? No. Don't desire anything too much. You might just get it.

Something in me has "clicked" the last few months and I suddenly have become super attracted to babies. Maybe it's because my baby brother is now too big to cuddle for too long, or maybe it's hormonal or something, but I can't get enough of chubby babies. I hold one and think, "I'm super happy right now. I need one of my own so I can be this happy all the time." I have a desire for the feeling of something growing inside me, the desire for my own child. To love at all hours. To have puffy eyes for. To raise up how I see fit. I don't have total control over my siblings, so I don't feel like they are being raised in my oh so infinite wisdomly ways. I need my own, right? A baby to snuggle would make me happy. My mom won't have anymore, so come on, husband, I need you so I can have a baby!

Third time's the charm, right? You'd think I'd have learnt my lesson. Nope- Boom zap- mama got pregnant. "Here, Olivia, I'm giving you what you want. Will this make you happy now?" says God. Don't desire anything too much. You might just get it. Or, sorta get it, since Mommy miscarried.

No, Lord. It doesn't make me happy. There's still a void in my heart, and it's cross-shaped. I can't fill it by myself. There is only One Thing that can make me happy, and it will never come in the form of an earthly husband, house, or child. Don't desire those things too much, because you might just get them. Like when the Isrealites asked for a king. They felt a void, that, had they paid attention to God and not the world, they would have known their King. But, they desired a good thing too much, and God gave them Saul. Don't desire anything too much.

Now, a relationship with Jesus? I don't think I can ever desire that enough.