Thoughts at Midnight

Y'all know the song, Seasons of Love?

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, a year in the life?
How about love?" 

 I'm sitting here by the fire, both amazingly encouraged and dreadfully discouraged. Encouraged, because I've grown leaps and bounds recently, but discouraged because of the circumstances surrounding that growth. Being forced through circumstances which require you to become a different person can be a good thing, and a bad thing. So far it's been good, but I've still got my old self to deal with. And is it okay to miss your old self?

 "How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?
In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died?" 

367 days ago was the start of me having to grow up. Sure, my 18th birthday was 491 days before that, but Momma in bed meant I was responsible for pretty much everything. No clean socks, it's Olivia's fault. You're hungry? Talk to Livvy. We're late for church because the kids weren't woken up early enough? Olivia's gonna need to remember that next week. I've always been a pretty care-free, going with the flow, we'll wing it, sure we can handle that, its not that bad, we'll take care of it later kinda person. I hopefully still am to some degree, but I've had to live with the consequences of some of those slacking moments. One day last summer I got tired and took a nap and the rest of the week I was behind two hours. Children's stomachs don't account for naps apparently, and the whole family's mood was aggravated and disrupted. For days.

It's been a year of finding things out about myself and about other people. Life as a homemaker doesn't mean your only life is in the home. It just means you always have that hanging over your head as you deal with the rest of the world, too. Its shown  me that when I'm depressed about a relationship issue or dealing with the drama of being 20, I can't just hide in my room and throw a keep-out sign on the door until I feel better. I have laundry to do. If I sulk now, someone's going to be yelling about their lost coat before we head out the door 3 days down the road. It's made me learn to pray, deal, and move on. Granted, many, many tears have been shed bending over the dryer the last few months. Life goes on, whether I feel like it should or not.

Also, I've learned that things go waaaay smoother when your main focus is making your home better, instead of just getting the chores done so you can blog and help people online, or go hang out with friends. I've gone through seasons of my heart being focused on different things whether that's friends, facebook, sewing, or blogging, and not on my ministry in our home, and those were grouchy times. Blessedly, I think I've about got this issue dealt with and I *love* taking care of my family. I still have side projects, sure, but I'm not wishing my days away or uber distracted.

I've had to deal with rejection, word-twisting, and loss of respect. I am praying for the grace to continue to forgive slanderers and those who don't realize the hurt they've caused. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it felt dramatic. This is something that I've never really had to deal with, and I chalk it up to being exposed to more of the world, and growing up. People change, just like me, and things happen. But lay on the couch feeling sorry for the fool you made of yourself and oops you forgot to make lunch.

I've had a really good life. Not much tragedy, loss, hurt, or sticky situations are in my past, besides Momma's miscarriages. I haven't even had a favorite dog die, so this year of confronting all of these things and having to deal with them head-on, like an adult, has been so strange. I've learned everyone's human, that's for sure.

Tonight I sit here saddened. My mom, sister, and father have lost so much time to sickness this past year. It's heartbreaking. I'll admit, until recently, I have been kind of eye-rolley and bitter about my mom's fatigue. Why does she have to lay in bed all day? Can't she get her own snack? But now, I'm just genuinely totally sad about it. I tear up, asking God why, and feel so much sympathy. Our situation is kind of hopeless-- or at least slow-healing-- and I'm discouraged about that. I used to feel there was an end in sight, but now I don't see one.

I'm not sure what my purpose of this post is, besides journaling what I'm thinking about tonight; remembering the things God has taught me this year. I am so thankful for this time in my life and I know it is training me for the rest of my days-- I just wish I would learn faster. I honestly don't know what it's like to have a healthy family, and I don't know if I'll ever know.

I'm so thankful for Jesus. He is my strong support, my hugger when I'm crying, and gives such joy. I am not my old self, but a NEW CREATION! In His Name. He has raised me from the dead and I can depart from my old ways. I pray I will continue to realize my need of Him this much for the rest of my life. And if it means dealing with year after year like I've had, so be it. I'm content in Him.